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Emergency Toilet Paper


My brother in law and I had gotten our first kayaks in Spring and we got hooked hard. We were going just about every chance we got to the local reservoir and exploring nearby lakes. Father’s day was coming up and my sister and I conspired to bring my Dad into the yak game. My father is an avid cyclist so we didn’t think he’d have any issue paddling. I knew from campouts in Boy Scout that he wasn’t a great outdoorsman. But I didn’t think that would really matter.

We outfitted my Pops with an Ascend 10T, lifejacket, and paddle. Our first outing together was on the upper Potomac River. My brother in law and I had explored a few different areas and decided to take my Dad to a new spot where we could paddle about a quarter mile to a bridge. The first part of the morning went great. The water was a little choppy and the wind was blowing us away but we were able to land a few near the pylons. After a few respectable bass my Pops announced he had a little rumbly in his tumbly.

The wind had died down and the fishing had picked up. So we told my Pops to paddle back and hit the head. The better conditions should have made for a short trip to the marina, which was only 100 yards from the launch. We kept fishing and kept an eye out for Pops. About an hour and half later we made him out on the horizon meandering back to the bridge. Once he was back in earshot we asked him what happened…

“I couldn’t make it to the bathroom so I shat in the woods.”

After we stopped laughing and all the fish had been properly scared we got the full scoop. Apparently a quarter mile is a lot longer when your bowels are tying themselves in knots. So he ducked off the side of a trail dropped trousers and covered it up with leaves. Then he shimmied to the marina bathroom and cleaned up. He was a good sport about and we had a great day of fishing, and he still goes out with us when he can, but damn if we don’t tease him about it as much as possible.

Lesson Learned

Go poo before you go kayaking and always keep a roll of toilet paper on you.